A Lesson in Astrology
by meathead
Summary: Crossing the Zodiac with the Turtles?Off the wall? Yes. Insane? I've been called worse things. Just give it a read, you might like it. Oneshot


A Lesson In Astrology

  
  


Astrology. To some, it's a new insight to how and why a certain individual acts the way they do. To others, it's a bunch of crap. I love astrology. It's sometimes scary to know that your whole existence is mapped out among the planets. Every book that I have read, there was always something that I could read and say, 'yeah that's EXACTLY how I am!' Well, a while back, I had a dream about the Turtles, (which, happens a lot anyway) and in this dream, I tell them all about their zodiacs. And about the birthdays, this is just guessing. Now, from my years of watching the Turtles, I think I have them pretty much figured out. I could be wrong, so if you think I am, and you have your own opinion, let me know cause I'm always up for a good debate! Enjoy!

  


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"Everyone is mad here"-The Cheshire Cat, From Alice in Wonderland

  
  
  


"Hey guys!" I pushed opened the door to the lair and poked my head around it. " You home?!"

Mikey came running to greet me. " Jan-Jan!" He picked me up in a huge bear hug. "You've been gone too long! I was beginning to think you hated me!"

He dropped me down and I tried to catch my breath as I talked. "Now, Mikey! You know better than that! I've just been really busy writing my fan fictions."

Mikey stuck out his tongue. " It's not about Hanson again, is it?" 

I blushed. " No, I stopped writing Hanson fics a LONG time ago." I laughed as I walked over to the couch. " I'm writing about you guys now."

"Really?" Mike jumped over the back of the couch and almost landed in my lap. 

"Yeah, since I was 8 I've been obsessed with you guys, so I figured, what the hell!"

"So," Mike leaned in closer. " What's it about?"

"Mikey," I pushed him back. " You'll have to wait until I'm done. Hey, where are your bros?"

Mike looked around. " I have no clue." Then he noticed the book I had carried in and that now rested in my lap. "What's that?"

I looked down, almost forgetting I had it. "Oh, it's an astrology book. I thought it would be fun to read to you guys about, well, yourselves."

"Cool!" Mike smiled widely. " I like zodiac stuff! I'm a...what was that again?" He scratched his head. " What's December 6th?"

"Sagittarius, dear." 

"Yeah, that's it! A Saggie!"

"A what? Mike, are you talking gibberish again?" Leonardo walked into the living room, carrying his swords in his hands.

"Hello to my fellow Virgo!" I smiled and waved. Leo raised an eyebrow.

"Virgo?"

"Yeah, that is your zodiac sign, right? September 10? Your birthday is three days before mine." I knew I was right of course!

"Okay." Leo shook his head as he sat down in Splinter's armchair. "And what makes me a Virgo? My good looks?"

I laughed loudly. " Yeah, I wish I could say the same."

"NOOOO! Don't start that again!" Mike covered his ears. " You know I hate that when you put yourself down like that."

I rolled my eyes. " Mike, I was joking. You know, Ha Ha!" I tossed my hair around. " I know I'm beautiful!"

Leo gave me a funny look. " Is that a Virgo thing?" He then laughed.

"Ha Ha!" I said sarcastically. " Well, there is one Virgo thing I KNOW you do, Mr. Big-Time-NAG!"

Leo dropped his jaw. " I do not nag!"

At this time, Raphael walked in. " Leo, if nagging was an Olympic sport, you'd win the gold medal."

We all laughed, except Leo, who suddenly became quiet. He picked up his swords and began to polish them. Raph jumped over to the couch and stretched his legs across my lap.

"Hey, meathead. How about a foot massage?" He smiled and nodded at me.

"Ah, how about no. And don't address me by my nickname." I pulled my book out from under his feet and placed on his legs. "That's for my readers only."

Raph shrugged his shoulders. " Whatever."

I looked at Mike and made an evil grin. "That's an Aries for you. Always thinking about themselves." Mike laughed, making small snorting sounds. This comment seemed to bring Leo back the conversation.

"Selfish? You call me selfish?" Raph crossed his arms. "And to think, you said I was your favorite."

I laughed. " Oh, Raph. You are my favorite, and I was just talking about your zodiac sign, that's all." I punched him in the shoulder. "But, an Aries can be selfish. It's due to the fact that the sign rules the ego."

Leo snorted. Raph threw him an evil look. " Don't start it, nagger."

"No, I wouldn't want to upset your ego, now would I?"

Raph started to jump out of his seat when I grabbed his arm, shaking my head. Raph growled and sat back down cross-legged on the couch. Mike bounced up and down, causing me to rock. 

"Mike, don't make me have motion sickness. You know how fast it can come. Virgos are prone to stomach problems!"

Mike stopped suddenly, then said. " Okay, but I wanna hear more about me!"

"Okay." I opened up the book. " Sagittarius."

Mike looked over my shoulder. " Cool! All of these celebs are Saggies too? Whoa! Britney Spears? Ewww." 

" Now, Mike," I joked around. " You don't want to upset the readers who like her, do you?"

Mike looked at me. " Hey you typed it. I have no control over the words exiting my mouth."

"Yeah, you're right! Anyway, let's look at your characteristics. Athletic, curious, energetic. Generous. Intelligent."

Raph laughed. " Mikey? Intelligent? HAHAHAHA!"

Mike wrinkled his nose and stuck out his tongue. " I am in my own way."

" Here's some good ones: Restless and Talkative!" Raph laughed as I did.

Mike thought for a minute. "Yeah, I do talk a lot, don't I? But that's only because I have a lot to say, that's all."

" No," I pointed to the page. " It's because you have scattered thoughts and you're very hyperactive."

"Not enough sugar and not enough partying makes Mikey a dull boy!" Mike stated proudly.

"Spoken like a true Sagittarius." I looked back at the book. "Let's see...It says a Sag is the party animal of the zodiac. They are high-spirited, have a wonderful sense of humor, and very optimistic."

Mike smiled and nodded. " Yep that's me!"

I lifted my finger. " But, a Sagittarians can be unreliable-

"Mikey," Leo said.

"-unrealistic-"

"Mikey," Raph followed.

"-and are also very reckless."

"Mikey." Leo and Raph announced at the same time.

Mike crossed his arms and pouted. " Yeah, well, you guys aren't always so perfect!"

"Perfect?" Raph pointed across the room. " No, THAT is Mr. Perfect."

Leo glared at Raph. " Would you stop calling me that? I am NOT perfect!"

I walked over to Leo, reading out of my book. " No, but you want to become perfect. I should know." I sat down at the base of the chair.

"Okay, and why?" Leo placed his swords on the ground and gave me his full attention.

"The symbol of our sign, Leo, is the Virgin. The Virgin represents purity. Which in turn gives us a desire to make everything pure, therefore-" 

"Perfection." 

I smiled. " Right."

"Okay, Okay!" Raph threw a pillow at me. " Get on with the good stuff. I wanna know that I'm right about how stuffy he is."

"Raph, being an Aries, you KNOW you are right anyway." I threw the pillow back on the couch. Raph sunk down farther into the couch.

"Anyhoo, Mr. Virgo, you are reserved, modest, practical, analytical, quiet and detailed-oriented."

"See?" Raph slapped Mike in the arm. " Stuffy."

I looked up at Raph. " Okay, so you must think I'm stuffy too?" I turned my attention back to Leo.

Raph's jaw dropped. "I never said that!"

I threw my hand in the air. "I'm not talking to you anymore. Begone!"

Raph angrily threw the pillow back on the couch and stormed out of the room. "You Virgos!!!"

Leo and I shared a good laugh, then I continued. " Virgos are intelligent, have excellent memories, and have keen abilities for solving problems. Neatness and organization are very high on a Virgos' list."

"That's for sure!" Mike rolled his eyes. " Every day, clean, clean, clean! He's like Mr. Clean with green skin!"

Leo nodded. " Yeah, I know I'm uptight about that. But it's that purity thing again."

Mike leaned in closer to use. " Hurry, I wanna hear the bad stuff before Raph comes back in and starts his little laughing dance."

"Okay," I looked at Leo. " Don't feel bad about this part."

"Why would I?"

"Criticism, dear. One of Virgo's enemies."

A worried look came over his face. "I'll be okay. As long as Raph doesn't come in."

"Okay, Virgos are big on discrimination. They love to dish it out, but rarely can they ever take it themselves. Also in analyzing, they miss the big picture and believe nothing is ever good enough for them.. You are also distant in your emotions and can become paranoid about things that will never happen. Virgos can also arouse anger and violence in others because of their tendency to interfere and their unemotional attitudes."

"Like in Raph," Mike's eyes drifted to the ceiling.

Leo looked at Mike. " Am I really like that?"

Mike stared blankly at him. " Uh, sometimes...."

Leo sat back in his chair. " It's not like I mean too. You know, I try to do the right thing and I just-"

I put my hand on Leo's. " It's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Yeah, I should practice what I preach, but don't worry over that."

"Worrying." Raph appeared back into the room. " That's what he does ALL the time too!" He sat back down on the couch. " Nagging and worrying! I told him he's gonna get an ulcer." He glanced at Mike. " So, did I miss the good stuff?"

"Yeah, sorry man."

Raph sighed. " That's okay. I still know how stuffy and whiny he is. I don't need no stupid zodiac crap to tell me that."

Leo smiled wickedly as he grabbed the book from my hands. " Okay, let's see what it says about Raphael." He turned to the Aries section. "Mmmm, very interesting!"

Raph growled. "Well, what is it?"

"It says that an Aries is a "me-first" sign, they can be very self-oriented. They are unreasonable, offensive, short-tempered trouble-makers, accident-prone, and like to cause fusses about nothing."

Mike laughed suddenly. " Man, whoever wrote that book must have met Raph on a GOOD day." 

We all laughed as Raph glared at us. " Okay, Ha Ha! Laugh it up!"

"Also, it says Aries have a reputation for never finishing what they started and are short on patience."

"Which is wearing VERY thin, Leo. Knock it off." Raph clenched his fists.

"What's the matter? You can dish it out, but can't take it? Well, what do you know! It says that exact thing in here!" Leo turned the book and pointed.

"SHUT UP!!!!!" Raph lunged at Leo, who shoved me and the book out of the way. They fell to the ground and rolled around, punches being thrown left and right.

"Stop it you two!!" I cried out. Mike tried to pull them apart but was pushed aside. Just then, Donatello walked in. He noticed Leo and Raph on the ground, then looked at me.

"Now what?"

"YOU STUPID ARIES!!"

"KISS MY SHELL, YOU LOSER VIRGO!!"

  


Don raised an eyebrow. " Okay. They've gone to insulting with Zodiac signs." He shook his head. " It's a sad thing really."

"Why do you say that?" Mike cocked his head to one side.

"Please! Astrology is completely fake!" Don grabbed Raph and pulled him up off of Leo.

"Let me go Donnie!! That jackass needs more of my fists in his face!" Raph turned to pry Don's hands off of his shoulder, but Don just squeezed harder.

"OUCH!! Okay! I'll stop!!" Raph limped back over to the couch. I helped Leo up into the armchair.

"Okay Donnie. Now that hurt my feelings." I grabbed my book and held it close. " I like astrology. I think it's interesting." I sat back down on the floor and rested my head on Leo's knee. " Hey Raph. Do you wanna hear the good things about an Aries?"

"Is there such thing?" Mike joked. Raph punched him in the arm.

"Yeah, go ahead."

" Aries are active, optimistic, and are open to change and new experiences. Being a fire sign, they are highly emotional, and often regret their headstrong actions. They are lovers of animals and make wonderful parents. Aries are also emotional and very passionate." I smiled at Raph. " See, it's not all bad."

Raph seemed to cheer up. " Yeah, I suppose."

"Alright! Donnie's turn!" Mike began to bounce on the couch again.

"I think not. I told you, I don't believe in it." Don grabbed a science magazine off the coffee table.

"Come on, Don. Its just for fun." Leo pushed.

"Yeah, we all did it." Mike jerked the magazine away from Don. " Please?!"

"Oh, god. Okay." Don rolled his eyes.

"Okay, when's your birthday, Donnie?" I asked, the book ready in my hand.

Don looked shocked. " You don't know my birthday? Now who's hurt!"

"Don, you never told me," 

Don cleared his throat. "Oh, I didn't. Sorry. It's January 31st."

"Ooo, Donnie's an Aquarius." Mike rubbed his hands in anticipation.

"I heard they're weird." Raph remarked. Don threw him a dirty look.

"Aquarius, the Water Bearer, are assertive, independent, analytical, original, and inventive. They have strong and firm opinions. They love to be different and are marked by intellectual independence. They are the true genius of the Zodiac."

"See, weirdos." Raph looked at Don and smiled. 

Don brushed Raph's comment off. "Go on."

I eyed Raph careful, then I read on. " Aquarians love to learn. They want to know everything about everything and diligently attempt to find the missing pieces of life's puzzle. They are seekers of truth and know the deepest wisdom is within them. An Aquarians' greatest strength is the unique and inventive mind the posses. They are defiantly true originals."

"Hey, they're not that bad." Mike replied. He slapped Don on the back. " You're one of kind, bro!"

Don shrugged. " What can I say?"

"But," I continued. " This originality creates some difficult tests in life and could turn an Aquarian into a outsider. They find themselves alone often and even if they are with people, they are still alone."

"Yeah, I can see that sometimes." Don nodded in agreement.

"Bad stuff!!" Raph shouted suddenly. " Hurry up! My show is almost on!"

"What show?" I looked up at Leo. 

" Cops." Leo rolled his eyes.

"I like watchin' the people get beat up." Raph said through his wicked smile.

"Why does that not surprise me...anyway...along with being consider an outsider, Aquarians have a lack of concentration and are VERY easily sidetracked."

"That's for sure!" Don agreed. 

" I'd say that describes Donnie perfectly." Leo laughed. " He is always thinking of a million things at one time."

" Yeah like the other day," Mike joined in. " Donnie was working on the TV, then he like stopped in the middle of it and went into bathroom to fix the sink."

Don looked at me and said. " It's called multi-tasking." 

" What else is there?" Raph asked, bouncing on the couch like Mike had done earlier.

"There's really nothing else." I flipped through the pages. " Aquarians are good people, Raph. There's not much to say that's bad."

Raph stopped his bouncing and blankly stared at me. " What?"

I flipped the pages again. " That's all. No more. Party's over!"

Raph sunk down in the couch. " Man! Donnie, you're no fun."

Don smiled proudly. " Sorry, Raph. There will be no hurting my feelings tonight. And besides," He stood up from the couch and adjusted his belt. " Isn't it more fun to make fun of Leo?"

That wicked smile crept back up on Raph's face again. " Yeah, you're right."

Leo's eyes became large. " Uh, I think I have something that I have to do somewhere else-far away from here." He jumped over the back of the chair and ran down the hallway.

"Come back here you cowardly Virgo! I ain't done insulting you yet!"

I moved from the floor back over to couch and sat beside Mike. I looked up at Don and laughed. " Now, that wasn't very Aquarian of you, Donnie."

" I know." Don walked to the kitchen, then stopped suddenly. " But, with my moon sign in Gemini, I'm very manipulative." And with that, he dashed into the kitchen.

My jaw dropped. " That dog! He knows all about astrology! I'm gonna get him!"

Mike became confused. " What's a moon sign? What's he talking about?" Then he registered what I had said. " I didn't think Virgos got revenge on people."

" No," Then I found myself smiling wickedly. " But MY moon sign is in Scorpio. That makes me evil. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" I jumped from the couch and ran into the kitchen, my book falling to the floor.

Mike scratched his head. " I'm confused." He picked up my book and began reading. 

" Maybe I need another lesson!" 

All information was found in the following books:

Zodiac by Athena Starwoman

Born on a Rotten Day by Hazel Dixon-Cooper

The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need by Joanna Woolfolk


End file.
